I don’t have much time to think these days, no real quiet time. However I am aware that I am not well, that darkness is closing back in on me again.
I used to bake, crochet and cross stitch. I did these things because they made me happy, they brought me pleasure and I felt proud of the things I had made.
Today I am a wife, and a mum and a PA. I now do things for other people. I do very little for myself anymore and as a result I’m not as happy as I once was. I must assure you that I love my husband very very much, he is my rock. I love my son. I mentioned above that I was proud of the things I baked, crocheted and cross stitched, but those levels of pride pale in comparison to the pride I have for my husband and our son. He is truly my greatest creation.
I am also a PA, which is completely about doing things for someone else, or in my case four people. I am PA to four people, so if you include my husband and my son, six people. Six people, none of which are me.
I feel selfish anytime I even think about doing something for me when it would mean neglecting my duties elsewhere. These people need me, more than I need to need myself. I’m not even sure that makes sense.
Yes I play World of Warcraft, but I do this to escape this real world, to escape all these duties, to forget. I wouldn’t say that it makes me necessarily happy, but it makes me forget the “not as happy” for a little while.
I hate all the negativity in my life, and I completely understand where it comes from. It comes from me.