Right Let’s Get It All Out

I woke up feeling like shit. All last week I had been snappy, impatient and short with OH. I didn’t realise I was being this way until he pointed it out early on Sunday. Then I felt it, I felt how I was feeling. That sounds a bit weird but it makes sense to me. It’s like I was unaware how I was feeling but still acting that way and then all of a sudden the impact of my behaviour hit me. Since then I have felt so so low, in a funk I just can’t shift.

I woke up this morning feeling so bad, not wanting to go to work, not wanting to talk to or see anyone. This morning my emotional eating took over and I binged on fizzy drinks and chocolate. As it stand I’m nearly 900 calories over my daily intake. My Fitness Pal has set the bar for me at 1310 calories a day. I trust My Fitness Pal because I was initially recommended to use the NHS Weight Loss tools to help me as I was referred via work. We had some Health and Well Being week where they told me my BMI was 29.9 and that I should think about losing weight. I punched all my numbers into the NHS site and they recommended 1400 calories per day for a steady 1lb per week loss. So it’s really not that much of a difference.

Now I’ve never posted my figures before so here they are:
Age: 31
Sex: Female
Height: 5’3″
Starting Weight: 168lbs
Goal Weight: 112lbs
Lifestyle: sedentary

I posted today on Facebook about my binge this morning looking for support and all I got was people saying that I was being unrealistic with my calorie goal and that “you look fine the way you are”.
1. My calorie goal is NOT unrealistic. I’ve been sticking to that for 2 weeks no problem, my problem today was I had an episode of emotional eating.
2. I don’t care if you think I look fine. I don’t feel fine. I’m not doing this for you, I’m doing this for me. I am not a healthy weight and I want to be a healthy weight. I know that BMI isn’t the be all and end all. I know that BMI doesn’t make sense for the likes of rugby players with lots of muscle and therefore should be taken with a grain of salt, but I’m not a bloody rugby player. I have very little muscle and therefore the BMI scale is more relevant to me right now.
Lesson learned, I won’t be posting on Facebook again.

Honestly right now I am on the brink of tears, but I’m at work and trying so so hard not to, slumping down in my chair so that my monitor hides my face completely. I am even resisting going to the bathroom to pee because I know the minute I get some privacy it’s all going to come flooding out. I’m having to take frequent breaks in writing this because every time I start typing it all swells up again.

I know in the grand scheme of things I’m more upset about how dismissive people are being than by how many calories over I went. So I went over my nearly 900 calories today, I just go back to being good tomorrow and keep finding a way to deal with my emotional eating. It is important to remember that I did it though. Binge eating when I felt like shit did not make me feel better. It didn’t necessarily make me feel worse, but it didn’t make me feel better. I need to find something to make me feel better, which ideally doesn’t involve food.

I’m only at the beginning of my weight loss journey and it’s hard enough with people bringing me down. I do a jolly good job of bringing myself down as it is, I don’t need other people to jump on the bandwagon. I need support, and now I don’t know where I’m supposed to get that.

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